We don’t talk about it. The silence around suicide

Suicide is still a subject that is barely spoken about because we are scared of being judged as weak or crazy. It is difficult, both for those who have to try and manage feelings of despair that may lead to suicidal thoughts, and for those who try to be there to listen but don’t necessarily understand. To even broach the subject with friends or family can seem impossible. If someone does try to tell you about their suicidal thoughts, the best advice is to listen. Even if it hurts.

Show your concern through active listening

Hearing the painful emotions associated with suicidal thoughts can be difficult. Rather than trying to lighten the situation, try to listen and understand what life is like for them at this moment. What is their pain? What are their fears? If you have no experience dealing with this sort of situation (which many of us do not), be honest. Do not lie, it is usually obvious, and you will lose the person’s trust.

Remember, when having these conversations, the focus should not be solving their problem or “fixing” them. Instead, your goal is to truly hear and understand them, so their feelings are validated. Depression often convinces people that nobody understands them, loves them, or wants to be around them. Depression can trick a person into believing their friends would rather not be bothered. They may be caught in this web and pull away or isolate themselves from a support system.

Here are some key steps to being an active listener.

Communicate a Non-Judgmental and Accepting Attitude

Listen without making judgments. Try to see the situation through the other person’s eyes. Validation is essential and can include statements like:

“That must be so hard for you.”

“I think I understand how that would upset you.”

“I probably would have reacted the same way.”

Show You Are Paying Attention

Make eye contact; maintaining connection conveys caring.

You can communicate your attention by leaning in toward the person when your interest peaks.

Offering brief verbal affirmations such as, “I see,” “I think I get it” or “sure.”

Don’t interrupt them. They need the comfort of knowing that you are listening to be there for them as a companion, not necessarily to provide solutions.

Clarify through restating and summarising.

Give a short summary to show you heard and understood what they have told you. This gives them a chance to correct you and keep the conversation on track. Even better, this helps them hear themselves; allowing them to think about what they’re saying and feeling. It is crucial to leave one’s own ego out of it. If someone has trusted you with their vulnerability, you cannot begin to comprehend what it has cost them to share it with you. Yes, it can be extremely draining to try and focus on someone else’s pain when it is strange and uncomfortable to you but listen now.

Try saying:

“So for you, it feels like [short paraphrasing what the other person said].”

“What I hear you saying is [briefly restate what you think they’re saying].”

Respect the Pace and the Flow of the Conversation

Allow your loved one time to finish their thoughts. With emotionally difficult topics, there may be brief periods of silence. If you are unsure, it is better to wait rather than speak too soon and interrupt their answer. If they are having a hard time opening up about a painful topic, it’s okay to provide a little encouragement to help them continue speaking. Remember to do so gently, as you don’t want to rush or push too hard.

Try using:

Short and simple questions

Verbal encouragers, such as “and then?” or “what happened next?”

Watch for Non-Verbal Cues

Most of what a person communicates comes through body language and tone of voice, not the words they’re actually saying.

Notice:

• How are they sitting or standing
• What their posture is like
• If (and how) they are using gestures

One of our greatest needs is to feel connected and cared for. When our bond with others is weak or broken, we feel hurt and lost. In our pain and isolation, we can despair and turn to extreme measures that seem like our only choices. In those dark moments, making a connection or receiving concern and care can be a life-saving event.

Don’t let your friends or family go through it alone. When in doubt, reach out. Ask the difficult questions. Follow-up and follow-through.

Do you need help? You can speak to a trained counsellor today.

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