Life is for the living: Grief & Guilt

Grief: Love with nowhere to go

The festive season is a time of love and joy for most of the world. We focus on our nearest and dearest, indulge a bit, (or a lot) and we wind down from a long year. It’s an important time where we gather strength and solace from our community and plan for the coming months.

This focus on our loved ones can emphasise the void where one or many are missing. The grief for the lost that we handle throughout the year, can threaten to overwhelm us when we no longer have work or our commute as distractions. Finding new ways to manage these emotions is key to healing from the loss, even if it seems impossible.

New grief and the first holiday season without your loved one can be some of the worst experiences of our lives. It can feel like the day they died, or their funeral all over again, but everyone else is carrying on like nothing happened. Or worse, trying to make you feel better, but it feels like everyone just doesn’t understand.

Chances are, they do get it. Everyone manages their grief in different ways, based on their cultural and personal practices, but many of us by the age of 10 will have experienced personal loss. That’s the thing about grief though, it can consume you and make you feel like the gaping hole left by the loss of your loved one is all you have left in the world. Which is awful, but normal, and most importantly, not forever.

Guilt: There is still love in letting go.

You may not believe it, but time can take the edge off that pain. It’s not a predetermined period, but as the years pass, the intensity of your grief will lessen. There are various stages of grief, but even after the last stage of acceptance, there are twists and turns that come with time. Some are even pleasant.

Once the denial has erupted into anger, which simmers down into bargaining and eventually crystalizes into acceptance, life without that person starts to look quite different. The unspeakable agony, especially with unexpected deaths, will release its hold over your chest and you will start to breathe again. You will be able to talk about the person fondly, without dissolving into sobs and you will start to move on and leave a lot of the pain in the past.

Moving on can come with new sensations. At this time of year, it can be especially difficult to navigate the memories of pain, as well as the happy memories you have of the person. Then the guilt creeps in: Why are they memories of pain? When did that become past tense? Does that make you a bad person? It doesn’t. It’s the natural progression of a healthy life. Learning to enjoy life again can feel strange, but letting go of the pain, is not letting go of the person.

You are allowed to live your life to the fullest. Enjoy your festive season with friends and family who are still here and raise a toast to the absent ones. Remind yourself that, as long as you remember the things you shared, they will always be with you.

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If you have been feeling the strain of grief and you think you could benefit from the professional guidance of a counsellor, you can learn more about the help you need from Trauma Assist.