Is there Love after Death?

It’s that time of year again, when every storefront seems to have turned red and been invaded by fluffy toys and hearts and flowers.

Besides signalling that the 31 000 days of January are over, it is also the run up to one of the most emotionally charged dates in the calendar. Whether you adore it, fear it, or endure it, Valentine’s Day has come round again.

For many, it is exciting, and they look forward to the romantic escapades that their partners are planning. For some others, it can be a painful reminder of someone they will never see again, leaving the looming question of if there can be love after death?

For anyone who has lost their partner, it can feel impossible. For some it’s not even a question; of course there’s nothing. There is only a person-shaped hole where their heart should be and an ache in their throat. But what about when that feeling starts to fade? It takes time, and there are no hard and fast rules on how much time, but fade it will, and the answer to the original question is Yes.

Not only because there are many different kinds of love, but because in reality, there can be many great loves of your life. Starting with you. No one wants to hear it but learning to love yourself enough is the impetus you need to move on with your life, while you’re still here.

That aching grief can be split into two parts, the loss of someone to love, and the loss of someone to love you back. Since the majority of us are thoroughly terrible at loving ourselves, we have the reasonable expectation that everyone else is just as bad, but that our dear departed loved one was somehow entirely alone in their ability to love us.

Learning to love ourselves addresses both sides of the grief. Besides there being somewhere for that love to go, you learn that you’re not so hard to love after all. Which is a good start if you want to move on and find someone new to convince of this fact, but it also has the unexpected benefit of teaching us that we can fill the void on our own.

Filling the void on your own plays a key role in ensuring that we don’t fall into relationships with people purely because they’re another warm body. If you’re good with yourself on your own, you can afford to be picky. Only choosing to share your life again when you encounter a partner who genuinely adds to your life, rather than making sacrifices to jam another person into your existence because you’re not keen on your own company.

So how does one even begin? A few starting tips!

How, in the bottomless sea of grief, do we begin to swim to shore? If you are still working your way through the stages of grief, it will take more time and that is ok. Few things that are worth doing are ever easy.

1. Self-Care - Take an active interest in looking after your mental and physical health.

What to do?

Cook yourself something special. Cooking for one can be uninspiring, but step up and spend some time on making your favourite dish. It is worth the effort to make it delicious and wholesome - you are literally taking care of you.

2. Stop beating yourself up - Accept that having flaws is fine, as long as we’re aware of them and do our best to manage them.

What to do?

Be mindful of what you say and do. Think about what effect your actions are going to have on you and the people around you.

3. Treat yourself with respect. Stop trying to escape your own company.

What to do?

Time to cut down on the distractions and spend some quality time with yourself. Start with a few minutes a day of thinking about who you are, who you want to be, and how you want to get there. Accept that this will be difficult, but you’re more than equal to the task!

Sound ridiculous? It’s not. It’s just new!

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